Always There In the Background
by midnitesunjedi
Summary: Esme's story, from when she commits suicide, to the end of Breaking Dawn. How she has always been there for all of the Cullens. Just in the background. Esme's POV
1. Prolouge

**AN:** This is basically Esme's story, from when she loses her baby, to (I'm planning on) the end of Breaking Dawn. Obviously I will have to read BD first but it will take me a while! Everything is from her point of view.

**DISCLAIMER:** Unfortunately I do not own any of these characters though I will negotiate with Stephenie…

He was gone. Gone forever. My little baby. He was gone, and there was no longer a reason to live. No reason for my heart to keep beating. I was a waste of space, waste of oxygen. He was my life. My one responsibility that mattered. That I cared about. And I had failed. I let him down. Let down a tiny defenseless baby. And I was still selfish. I didn't deserve it, but I wanted to see him again. Hold him in my arms. Tell him I love him. And that I'm sorry. And tell him everyone is wrong. Tell him that even though they say the lung infection killed him, and I couldn't have helped him…

My dress tore on a sharp boulder as I made my way up the rocks. I was almost there. I involuntarily whimper as I felt a stick cut a deep gash in my leg. But it didn't matter. I was there. The edge of the cliff. I inhaled deeply and looked at the expanse of land below. I smiled gently. Nothing mattered. My days of tortuous depression, my nights of insomnia- they so very far behind me.

'I'm sorry my child. I'll be with you soon' I thought to my son. I clenched my fists and let my aching head finally spin into the black hole. A long sigh escaped my mouth. The wind gently blew at my face. My knees bent… and I jumped.


	2. Change

I braced myself for the excruciating impact

I braced myself for the excruciating impact. Hopefully it would only last a second. I wanted to die. I was worthy of death. I didn't care if I deserved it or not though. I just wanted my son. I prayed I would be in heaven. But I knew even if I went to hell, if I saw him, I would be in heaven. During the fall I did not see my life flash before my eyes. I was glad of that. Not only would it be too painful, but it was just to cliché. I didn't want a truism to spoil my happiness.

At last the wind stopped whipping at my body. I heard the terrible crunch of my body hitting the ground. My breath was knocked out of my lungs at the contact with the earth. My stomach convulsed at the unbearable pain that flooded in every part of me. I felt a rush of anger overcome the throbbing for a second. I wasn't dead yet. I wallowed in my mind overcome with sorrow. I was slipping out of consciousness when I heard the deep gasped and quick footsteps coming towards me.

"No Jenkins. Just take her to the morgue the poor thing. There's no chance she survived."

My ears were the only body parts that were working. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and couldn't think. However I could hear. But only for that one sentence. I was sucked up by the black. The pain was gone. And then I knew. I was happy. I was dead.

I was shocked out of the blackness by the pain. The burning, agonizing, pain. The fire bursting through my veins. The ripping of my skin. The contorting of my body. The snapping of my bones. This was worse than the jump from the cliff. Thousands of times worse. I had wanted to die before, but know I didn't care. I just wanted the flaming to stop. My throat blazed, and underneath the inferno was a dull ache that got worse every minute. I forced my eyes open. I screamed in anger at the red spots that blocked my vision. I shut them tight again and let out another scream of anguish and fury. My passion helped my concentration. I used every single ounce of strength I had to open my eyes. And he was there in front of me. The blurred face of and angel. But this wasn't heaven.

"Why?" I asked simply in a meek whimper. He looked down at me with pure horror on his perfect face. Even in my pain I knew an angel shouldn't look that sad. I cried for myself and for the angel.

"I'm so sorry…" He murmured. He lowered his saintly face down to mine, and let his lips brush my feverish forehead. My blurry vision bettered for a moment and I could see his perfect face clearly. I recognized this beautiful face…

_10 years before…_

"Esme? Esme! Wake up. We're here darling. You are going to be okay. Your leg will be fine sweet heart." I kept fading in and out of consciousness. All I knew was the splitting pain radiating through my leg. I felt myself being lowered to a cot and from behind my closed eyes saw lights turned on. My stomach turned at the sound of shoes hitting the hospital floor. I don't know why it disturbed me so.

"Mr. and Mrs. Platt? I heard a pure, beautiful male voice ask. I forced my eyes open to see his face…

I don't know how long the pain lasted. I couldn't tell. I never slept or ate or anything. Yet I never felt tired or hungry. I only felt the pain, and the dull throbbing in my throat. But eventually, the pain in my body faded. It left every part except my chest, and with one last flash of torturous pain, it was gone. Now only intensified aching in my throat was left. I opened my eyes.


	3. First Sight and Explanation

His face was the first thing I saw

His face was the first thing I saw. His gorgeous angelic face, full of worry. His face, sharper than my memory. Sharper than even when I had seen him that first time ten years before. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I couldn't remember much from before. I gasped in a difficult breath, felling it whoosh through my body strangely. I gazed in wonderment at his perfect face, in intricate detail. I watched as my hands floated up to meet his face. The face I hadn't forgotten. I stared into his golden eyes, and tangled my now ghostly white hands into his dazzling flaxen hair. I pulled him down to my face and kissed him. He didn't hesitate, he just dropped his head down to mine and kissed me back. His smooth lips moved gently against mine, a sensation I had never felt for I had only been kissed by the wretched Charles, who only kissed me for himself. Carlisle kissed me for me, tenderly, and quietly. Charles kissed me out of personal want. Carlisle kissed me out of love. I don't know how long kissed him. It seemed longer than the agonizing pain I had felt. It almost made it all go away. But even though I didn't know what had happened, I knew it never would. His tongue slid across my lips, and I parted my mouth slightly, still nervous, remembering Charles. But when he filled my mouth the worry was gone. He softly slid his hands down from my neck to the small of my back, and laid down next to me, somehow getting me cradled in his arms. It seemed like I kissed him forever. Without even ever coming up for air.

Without coming up for air.

I wasn't breathing.

I broke our passionate kiss suddenly, fear flowing quickly through my body. He looked scared, seeing it in my eyes.

"W…" He couldn't speak. I couldn't either. I felt my mouth slowly drop into an "o". I looked down at my hands, realizing that I hadn't thought about why they were so pale. My head whipped around so much quicker than I was used to. There was a mirror across the room. My mouth opened wider as I saw my reflection. But was it even my reflection?

The shape of the reflection's face was similar to mine. The hair color was the same, if not more lustrous. But the reflection's eyes were a deep crimson color. They were not my eyes. My eyes were chocolate brown. I tilted my head to the right. The reflection followed my move. I gasped, the same odd whooshing feeling occurred again. I grabbed a chunk of my caramel hair and fingered it gently.

"Wh… what _am I?_" I stammered in a low voice that was mush to beautiful and kind to be mine. I flipped my head back to look at him. His golden eyes wouldn't meet my burgundy.

"I… I'm sorry." He whispered. "You were going to die. I couldn't just…" His voice cut off. He slowly picked up my hand and flipped it over so the palm of my hand was visible. I stared at my wrist. There was one blemish on the perfect smooth pale skin. A small crescent moon shaped scar. I looked back up at him, the understanding clear on my face. I knew what I was.

"B-but what will I… eat?" I inquired, feeling stupid, but honestly wanting to know.

"What do you think?" He asked. I expected my stomach convulse in disgust, but my throat only burned more. It sounded _good_.

"I have to kill?" I asked meekly, praying it wasn't true. How could I ever do that?

"Only animals." He said tenderly. I exhaled, not realizing I had been holding my breath. He questioned me with his eyes, making sure I was alright. I debated quickly in my head, and made up my mind.

"Ok." I said, and the look on is face confirmed my decision. There was pure joy in his smile, and it reached his eyes. He tightened his arms around me, drawing me nearer. He placed a chaste kiss on my parted lips, and began to explain the rest to me…


	4. Saved

AN: I fail. I'm sorry. Updates will actually come now. Forgive me?

DISCLAIMER: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

Vampire.

It was hard to wrap my brain around the fact. I didn't know whether to be angry or thankful. I mainly felt love. Love for him. Carlisle. The man I hadn't seen in 10 years. The man I had never forgotten even though I had just barely seen a glance of his face, just barley heard a whisper of his voice. The man I loved with all of my heart, almost childishly, since I knew of his existence. Carlisle. I couldn't get enough of him. Every pore of my new body drank him in. But I almost felt pain in his presence. My shattered heart was taped up, mended as best as I could be. I had Carlisle to thank for that. But I spent the first week of my life in fear, that somehow he would be snatched away from my needy grasp of him. I knew if that happened, no glue could hold me together, and no glue could fix me.

Carlisle took me hunting the second day of my new life. He kept to his word of course. I had to slaughter no human beings. I feared that trip. I had never been a strong person. It was difficult for me think about killing. But when we ran, it was like I turned animalistic. Like the small hatred I had for what I was dissolved completely. Plus the speed combined with being with him distracted me. My first kill was a deer. I remember the first feeling of discontentment I had since I was changed came after I fed. It wasn't enough. I was rather upset I had killed for nothing, but Carlisle just laughed, and kissed me. He guided me back to the place I already didn't need to be led to.

He had a son. Not biologically, but for all intents and purposes, Edward was his son. He had the most gorgeous bronze hair, as tousled then as it will forever be. It took all the self-control I had not to reach up and smooth his locks. It irked me to no end. It was the only thing that bothered me about dear Edward. However, I loved his music.. He played the piano beautifully. I sat there for hours upon hours just listening to the melodies blending with the harmonies and chords. He truly seemed happy when he was engrossed with the black and white keys. Edward became like a son to me as well Carlisle. I quickly began to love him.

I figured I would end up falling into some mothering roll. It was the one thing I absolutely detested about being what I was. I couldn't bear children. Carlisle knew this, because I had go through a short depression when I learned. If he hadn't been there to hold my when the tearless sobs ripped from my chest, I would have turned bitter. But of course he was present. His arms would wrap around me, his lips at my ear, murmuring to me. I know he could not bear seeing me like I was, and I hated to hurt him, but I couldn't help it. The detail tugged at the weak bindings that held my heart together. Plus, there was no more sleep. There was nowhere I could go to escape the knowledge that hurt me. Only Carlisle. He would kiss me slowly, softly, until my mind escaped the deep sorrow that plagued it. He was my escape in a room with no windows or doors. He saved me once again. I told him that through my tearless weeping. He smiled, his lips brushing against the top of my head. I curled myself into his chest, burying my face in his shirt. He leaned back against the chair we were seated in, silent, and stroked my hair until I was at peace.

Then one night, he told me that he would be there whenever I needed to be saved.


	5. Love and Wanting

**Chapter 4**

I quickly learned Carlisle was a prominent figure in the community. He had  
somewhat single-handedly saved the town a few years back. His expert skills in  
medicine helped the town that had once been mediocre slowly rebuild. I knew  
already it was nearly impossible to resist human blood, but he had done it. He  
had mastered himself, and was strong enough to operate and tend to feeble  
humans. We were still slightly outcasts; humans were intelligent enough to fear  
us. The mystery was shrouded around me especially, the woman who looked like a  
more beautiful version of the girl who had recently died, who lived with the  
esteemed Doctor Cullen. Soon, I often found Carlisle in his study, pouring over maps.

"What are you looking for?" I mused one day. I stood in the doorway watching his  
bronze eyes darting from state to state. He turned as soon as I spoke, and  
smiled warmly. My brow furrowed when I saw the stress unhidden on his face. He  
rose from his desk chair, drawing near to where I stood. His arms wrapped around  
me, embracing me for a moment. His lips grazed mine before he pulled. He smiled  
again, lightly resting his hands on my waist. His forehead leaned against mine.

"You know we can't stay here forever." He whispered, kissing my frown that had  
appeared.

" I know…" I pursed my lips at the word we. My eyes dropped down to my left  
hand, glancing at my third moment for a brief second. But my glimpse was to  
long. Up through my lashes I saw Carlisle's eyes widen, his eyebrows raised. My  
already heart fell, and I could feel the nonexistent tears well in my eyes, and  
the lump form in my throat. His mouth opened slightly, as if he was preparing to speak. To my dismay his lips sealed. My eyes shut, and I stood there in the doorway still, blind to anything going on around me. I felt his arms wrap around me while his chin rested on top of my head. I let out a silent sigh of relief, and nestled my face into his shoulder.

"You want to be married." He said simply. I nodded into his chest after a moment, still to ashamed to look him in the eye. Fear gripped my heart when he didn't respond. He said he would always be there, but maybe he didn't really love me. Maybe all the kisses and touches and embraces were just out of obligation. Or worse. Pity. Maybe he felt sorry of the awful state I was in. Maybe he felt sorry so he did what he could to help. I was immediately disgusted with myself, and tried to untangle myself from his arms. But he wouldn't let me. He pulled me closer, his left hand suddenly on the small of my back. My neck arched back, staring at him with a blank expression on my face, sadness, and rejection blatantly reflected in my eyes. His grip loosened, but he remained close to me.

"What?" He whispered, not understanding. I shook my head, unable to speak. "What is it Esme?" He asked, still in a whisper, but quieter. His face was lowered to mine, his golden eyes penetrating me.

"You. Don't. Want. Me." My voice mumbled unsteadily. "It's... okay Carlisle." I weakened in his arms. He wrenched my body up, hurt obviously radiating from him.

"How could you ever think that?" He spoke so quietly, even with my supernatural hearing it was difficult to pick up his almost angry words. His angelic face looked tormented. The lump grew in my throat when I realized I had just hurt him.

"I... I'm sorr-" My apology was cut off when he grabbed my face and tilted my head up towards his.

"I love you." His eyes burned into mine. His breath tickled my face as he leaned down. His lips brushed first my forehead. Then both my cheeks. Finally, he reached my lips. They moved gently at first, one of his hands reaching up to caress my face. My hair soon spilled out of the neat bun I had it in. My hands reached up, entangling themselves in his blonde hair, pulling his lips closer than they already were to mine. As our kiss became rougher, he lifted me as if I weighed no more than a doll. He carried me over to the velvet sofa in the corner of his study. He sat me down, never breaking our embrace. I crawled on top his lap, kissing him again. His one arm gripped my waist as the other brushed the nape of my neck. He continued to passionately kiss me, leaning back against the arm of the sofa. I followed his body, sprawled on his chest. My arms wound tightly around his neck, refusing to let go. He suddenly broke our kiss, staring at me like a blind man seeing light for the first time. I smiled and curled up against him. He twisted his body, aligning it to my own. From our position, we could see out the large glass window of his office. His head tilted down, burying his face in my hair. We watched the sunset, the azure sky slowly turning brazen. After a while, he reached over his head towards a mahogany end table. I could not tell what he grasped in his hand. When I made a motion to move, he restrained me, keeping my body turned in the direction of the window instead of him. I felt his lips at my ear.

"Here you are love." He murmured. His hand was in front of my face, his head balanced on my shoulder. In his palm rested a velvet-covered box. I reached out to take it, my arm shaking. I felt Carlisle sit up, and slide of the sofa. I sat up with him. My fingers unlatched the box, fingering the soft covering as they went. Inside, within folds of soft, light blue silk, lay a ring. The most beautiful ring I had ever seen. It was of course more beautiful than the ring Charles gave me, and even more beautiful than my mother's. It was the thinnest of light gold bands, with a small diamond set in the middle. In front of it was a simple gold band the same color and width of the diamond. I was barely aware of Carlisle's fingers taking the box out of my own. He removed the ring. I realized he was on his knee. He looked up to my face, eyes glowing.

"Esme Anne," He began. I was grateful he left my name at what he did. " I love you with all of my heart... no matter what you believe." He smiled slightly. "I promised I would always be there for you. I swear to never break that promise." He looked like he had more to say, but broke off. "Will you marry me?" He requested lovingly. I smiled at how cliché it all was. I slid down off the sofa and onto the floor in front of him. My arms once again wrapped around his neck, gripping his hair. I pulled his perfect face to mine, kissing him deeply, giving him my answer.


End file.
